If you are trying to hate yourself, push and/or deprive yourself to your goal, whatever your goal is in any areas of your life, IF you get there, you will be miserable!
If you know that, you will sabotage because what is the point if it sucks and is not pleasurable?
That thing you have been connecting to your happiness won't give you what you are desiring to feel and then you won't be able to hold and keep it, again IF you even get it to begin with!